conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
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