we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
ugly people sure do ruin things
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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