an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
