I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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