My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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