I murdered the dance floor call the cops
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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