Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I just found a bag of teeth...
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
