I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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