Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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