On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
