I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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