I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
