I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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