My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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