She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
