I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
