I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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