im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Im part way to drunk.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
