I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
