i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
