cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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