I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Randomize
