Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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