i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
