I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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