AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Randomize
