I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
