She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
