cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
