They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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