Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
