is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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