Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
