My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
