i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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