at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Also, beer. Big fan.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
