My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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