Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
