They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
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