you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
