I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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