Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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