Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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