Whod you bang
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
