Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
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