he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
should my penis look like a turkey
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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