Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
