Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize