I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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