before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
