ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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