the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
