i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
