How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just found a bag of teeth...
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Randomize
