The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
