Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
