i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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