Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
