what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
