I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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