Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Randomize
