my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
im calling her cock vulture from now on
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
