A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
